On Love, Sweet Love: What’s Up With Commitment—and Endings—in Our Lives These Days

On Modern Love ~ Life Coaching with Teresa Young

I Knew a Good Man, Darling

I knew
a good man
who couldn’t
relish spring
and the sweetness
blooming
in his garden.

Relax, my
love, enjoy,
I teased,
laughed, whispered,
pleaded.
Shouted.

Then
I realized
a piece
was
missing,
a promise:

I am yours
and will
never leave you,
darling.

Or, sweeter:

I’ll only go
if you
want me
to,
and
if you
want to go,
I’ll say,
          ‘go,
               darling.’

Love is a helluva drug

I wouldn’t usually, as in ever, add any kind of narrative to a poem. But today I feel like it. I’m breaking my own rule. Like eating potato chips late at night. :)

Because the dance of love is like nothing else. Love really is a helluva drug. And who first said that, by the way? I’ve been trying to find out! Anyway, there’s nothing more mysterious than love.  Nothing more maddening. Nothing that’s ultimately more of a secret.

Yes, I’ve been feeling for years that every love relationship is a secret. No one outside any two-person tango can really know the nuances of how the partners move together. Of the relationship’s inner climate, including its inevitable dark patches and desert places. Whether or not it’s ultimately a place of mutual growth, of rest, of self-expression. Of comfort and delight. All that we hunger for and deserve.

But does a committed love relationship really have to be all that? Or is commitment itself, that willingness, more important than partners being all things to each other? Indeed, is being “everything” to one soul even possible? Or healthy?

You could even say romantic love and commitment are separate topics. Though in modern western culture, where we’re so free to choose commitment and to change our hearts and minds, I say successful, long-term, committed love is a rich, ever fascinating focus and goal. And note that I skipped the word marriage. Why leave any committed love relationships out?

That which ends also matters

Yes, let’s go there, to the fact that many, many committed relationships end. There’s a normality to it all these days, though the stats aren’t actually as awful as the 50% divorce rate we’ve been hearing about for the past few decades. That’s partly because GenXers are staying together longer so far than boomers did, and millennials are proceeding with caution.

But we’re exploring so much in relationship these days, including ourselves. Exploring our own growth. Along the way, committed relationships, for all their beautiful beginnings, do often end. And yes, I say those endings matter.

Daunting as this may sound in any given situation, it’s important that they’re done well, with respect for all parties. With kindness and gentleness, honoring both what was and what is. It’s possible. The truth really does set us free.

Of course, even aided by gentleness, endings burn like hell. The pain burns cleanest when we’re as kind to one another as possible in the process. It helps us heal. And we do.

Because life is long, and we want—we are determined—to love and be loved well. The truth is, our expectations are often astronomical! And just like every other form of freedom in our 21st century lives, we’re as free in the realm of love as we believe ourselves to be. Free to pursue what we want most.

The how of it all matters

In the midst of our perhaps dizzying power of choice these days, I’m profoundly interested in how we care for one another and ourselves along the way. What’s more, I believe it’s one of our most important—most sacred—opportunities.

So I say if you’re in the throes of something immense in the realm of love, take your time. Get and stay attuned to what’s truly healthy for you and others. And proceed gently, oh, so gently, with everyone, including yourself. Take the long view, with the goal of being satisfied with your approach when you look back on the present four or five years from now.

And very importantly, do call on the resources you need. Include some relationship coaching or therapy, even or especially for endings, along with your own individual coaching or therapy, and expert support for young ones.

Search for low-cost options if you need them. You and yours deserve any and all assistance at life-changing junctures, toward getting whatever is to be learned so as not to repeat the lessons, proceeding in healthy ways, and minimizing trauma all around.

Bottom line, regarding the sweet, maddening drug of love, challenge yourself to let your best self lead. Then take comfort in your good work here on the wild, wonderful journey of modern life.

 

Teresa Young ~ Life Coaching Bio

 

Reflecting on Grief, That Age-Old Walk Through Dark Woods in Strange Country

Reflecting on Grief - Life Coaching with Teresa Young

I’m reflecting on a setback I’m having right… now. And after a good day yesterday! A phone session with an inspiring new client, a great meeting with my own coach, lessons with two super-fun students, a hug from their sweet mom. Poker Night with two of my sons and their ladies. Then, boom. Grief storm. I cried off and on all night.

And yet I also know everything is OK. It’s just a natural expression of the yin and yang of all things, including grieving.

Everything really is OK

So now I’m writing my way through this particular neck of dark woods while listening to Pandora’s “Rain Radio.” I played it for my mom all night right before she died. Now it’s one way of keeping her near me.

And I’m feeling the inner roller coaster ride of these two months since her death. I’m seeking guidance, too, as always. But in new ways. And I’m connecting with her, or at least trying to. Hoping I’m succeeding. Not sure yet.

But just after I got back to L.A., I had a beautiful dream of her striding out of the rubble of a fallen building like an action-adventure star, young and strong, with flaming red hair, in a bronze raincoat. And a dream of getting out of bed early one morning to sit in lotus pose to meditate.

I’m in the mood to consider that one almost an out-of-body experience. It felt so real. Talk about guidance. I’m workin’ on it.

Strange new country

The bottom line is that I’m hovering at the cusp of a dark place. Falling in at moments. Or for hours. Climbing out.

And again, it’s OK. My mother’s life and the beauty and complexity of our relationship are worth this heartbreak. It makes perfect sense to both my logical mind and my deep feeling function.

In fact, I’ve given myself permission to check in and out of “ordinary reality” as needed. Because the truth is that I’m in explorer mode as always, too, intent on learning whatever I can of the human experience while on this new leg of my own life journey.

Learning and changing

So far, I’ve learned that I go from intense need for solitude, for unstructured time, free of productivity concerns, to intense need for human contact. But of a kind that can be with me right here, where I was last night and am in this moment, grappling with death’s hand in the human condition, up close and personal. With the fact that my mother’s death is changing me—my priorities, my obsessions—in profound ways that I can’t predict yet, much less express.

I’ve never been here before. And I can’t see through to the other side of this stretch of unknown territory.

Nothing to fear here

I’m not afraid, though. I trust this process. I guess it’s the explorer in me. And I realize how stable my life had become these past few years. Stable in ways I didn’t know I could lose through feeling so searingly painfully the loss of another.

I didn’t know that what may have in fact become a phase of stasis gives way, in the face of the tipping of some great hourglass, to… what? So far, I don’t know. At least I don’t have words for it.

And yet, again, I know everything is OK. I know all this feeling is healthy and right. Not to be dreaded. Swallowed. Papered over. Made pretty. That in fact doing so would be the makings of future trouble.

It’s time to take time

Grief will have its space, time, and impact, whether honored and given its due, or driven down into the unconscious if we try to avoid the mess. Or if well-meaning others succeed in advising or expecting us to close that door and “move on.”

After all, you can’t cram for and knock grief out, like prepping for a meeting or taking the written test at the DMV. I have a new phrase for the present, at least new for me: soul time, in which “linear” time is no longer the end-all, be-all.

In fact, I’m thinking a lot about the soul these days. This is one of those times when it just demands what it wants and needs, what it knows is the work at hand. Work that may inform our futures. Our creative and contributory destinies.

It is what it is for now

And again, I trust all that. I honor it. It’s one way of honoring my beautiful mother. Of honoring these precious lives we’re all gifted with, both our own and those dearest to us.

Because, in truth, I’m still on my path. I’m still creatively engaged, feeling my way. So far, that’s what I need. That’s all I know. And it’s enough for me.

 

Life Coaching with Teresa Young
Photo: John Livzey

Teresa Young wants you living your dream, for real. She coaches by phone, in person in Los Angeles, and via Skype outside the U.S.

 

 

 

Dare to Swap Those Hand-Me-Down Beliefs for New Possibilities

Dare to Create What You Want - Life Coaching with Teresa Young

What do you believe, anyway? About life? About love? And work? And how about money? Dare to examine your beliefs as one part of your approach to accomplishing your goals.

Because consciousness of your beliefs—of what drives you, and stops you—is in fact an act of creative power! You can dare to examine your beliefs. Question them. And make choices that change your life.

One big test of any belief is whether it’s fear-based, or focused on growth. Like believing that “love always fades to quiet boredom.” Maybe it’s been your experience so far, or you’ve seen it play out in the lives of others. Or you’ve heard that in long-held family knitting-circles or good ol’ boy logic.

But does any of that challenge you to keep risking for the juice you want in relationship? Or do you justify your own lack of heart due to, well, fear of heartache?

Most important, are you really free to choose? Consider that any reason why not is a belief, rather than some big truth. In truth, we’re living in an amazing era. You and I are really free to choose our beliefs if we’re ready to do this important inner work. Work that will move us forward in new ways. In the ways that matter most to us.

Now dare to go bravely cast off the hand-me-downs that don’t really suit you. Your beautiful life awaits!

 

Life Coaching with Teresa Young
Photo: John Livzey

Teresa Young wants you living your dream, for real. She coaches by phone, and via Skype outside the U.S.

 

Stop Squandering Your Energy Now. Today. Really.

Stop Squandering Your Energy - Life Coaching with Teresa Young

Stop squandering your energy. For real. And you know just what I mean, right? OK, the truth is, I started with the negative to get your attention.

Now let’s talk about conserving, containing, and consciously creating what you want most using your precious energy. And I don’t mean with long-lasting light bulbs or by powering down your electronics at night.

I mean by making the best use of your most precious commodity: your life force. You with me? Great.

Track your flow

I say one powerful way to begin is to actually log your energy usage for a day, in four sections:

  1. Important (in service to your goals)
  2. Fun
  3. Unimportant
  4. Counter-Productive

First, in this moment, what do you think you will see? Next, try it out. Check your predictions after 24 hours. Even this simple action will begin to change the game. Read more here at http://oneideaaway.com.

 

Life Coaching with Teresa Young
Photo: John Livzey

Teresa Young wants you living your dream, for real. She coaches by phone, in person in Los Angeles, and via Skype outside the U.S.

 

 

How to Rock the Life You Want (Spoiler: Be Beautiful You)

Life Coaching with Teresa Young

As a musician who became a coach, I often ask my clients this question, “So, are you ready to rock life?”

If your answer is yes!, then the classic Zappa quote here may interest you. It states the fact of the uniqueness of each of us. And those who know about Frank will tell you he was a man who walked his talk.

Frank Zappa walked his talk.

As a musician/composer and provocateur during the Vietnam era and beyond, Zappa created a legacy of compelling original music and acerbic social commentary. From genre-busting musical styles and types of ensembles, lyrics that took down all manner of sacred cows, and a lifestyle that was part of his art, he lived his truth. His own unique creative life.

Enter… you.

Enter this season of opportunity in your beautiful life. Are you stepping off the beaten path? Marching to the beat of your own drummer?

I’m having fun with cliches to get to the question of how to live in ways that are uniquely you. Read more of this scoop at www.oneideaaway.com.

 

 

Life Coaching with Teresa Young
Photo: John Livzey

Teresa Young wants you living your dream, for real. She coaches by phone, in person in Los Angeles, and via Skype outside the U.S.

 

Is Change on the New Year Horizon for You? Consider the Holidays Your Pre-Season.

Poised to Embrace Change - Life Coach Teresa Young

Today I’m thinking about embracing change. ‘Tis the season for me on a lot of levels, and that intrigues me. Because I know if it’s happening to me, it’s happening to folks around me, too.

‘Twas what season?

I’m thinking about the fact that there are placid seasons in our lives. Times that, as you look back, seem like long stretches of comparatively calm water. But then when was that, exactly? Those six months? That year and a half? But actually, this major life event happened. Then that one. And while they had your attention, the lid blew off the situation around the corner.

Never a dull moment. And that’s the journey. That’s the beauty. Beautiful life.

And yes, change comes in seasons. Like in the movie Chocolat, where a big wind blows lovely Vianne and her daughter Anouk into the village. And we feel it. The “winds” of change. “Spirit.” The unknown. Excitement. Freedom. Fear. Plus whatever grieving we’re doing as we let go of whatever certainties we need to lose.

What do you want to do?

So, here in the season that’s a pre-season, too, with the coming New Year calling me forward, calling you, how do we invite and embrace the unknown? A focus on energy is one way for me. In fact, I say follow the energy. First by getting present to its ebbs and flows. What wants to rise up within you? And what feels exhausted? Exhausting? As in wants to be over, at least for now. Follow the energy as inner wind tugging you forward.

And it’s worth noting here that we humans often don’t embrace change until we have to. Honestly, we all have our ways of treading water, of staying afloat without rocking the boat. That’s why it takes a big wind to break up the status quo. Then we will still stand there or sit or lie and wait and hold back and turn back and start forward and stop flat, until the moment comes when… we’re… ready. Or ready enough. Because sometimes we just have to leap to learn what we need to know.

Party and plan. Present and future.

This holiday season, relish the known. The now. And especially all our delicious ritual experiences. Meanwhile, in the margins, as big context, keep watching for what wants your attention. Then in moments that feel right, try out some new moves. Put a toe into that growth-and-change dance that it’s time to do. And while you’re dancin’, look around for and enjoy all the fine folks right there with you on the wild, wonderful journey.

 

Life Coaching with Teresa Young
Photo: John Livzey

Teresa Young wants you living your dream, for real. She coaches by phone, in person in Los Angeles, and via Skype outside the U.S.