On Love, Sweet Love: What’s Up With Commitment—and Endings—in Our Lives These Days

On Modern Love ~ Life Coaching with Teresa Young

On that most maddening of subjects that I’ll call for the moment love and relationship, it feels right to begin with a small poem. But it’s not your gramma’s “Roses are red” kind.

I Knew a Good Man, Darling

I knew
a good man
who couldn’t
relish spring
and the sweetness
blooming
in his garden.

Relax, my
love, enjoy,
I teased,
laughed, whispered,
pleaded.
Shouted.

Then
I realized
a piece
was
missing,
a promise:

I am yours
and will
never leave you,
darling.

Or, sweeter:

I’ll only go
if you
want me
to,
and
if you
want to go,
I’ll say,
          ‘go,
               darling.’

Teresa Young

Love is a helluva drug

Because the dance of love and relationship really is like nothing else. Love really is a helluva drug. There’s nothing more mysterious than love.  Nothing more maddening. Nothing that’s ultimately more of a secret.

Yes, I’ve been feeling for years that every love relationship is a secret. No one outside any two-person tango can truly know the nuances of how the partners move together. No one really knows the relationship’s inner climate, including its inevitable dark patches and desert places. Whether or not it’s ultimately a place of mutual growth, of rest, of self-expression. Of comfort and delight. All that we hunger for and deserve. Though of course there are also certain toxic non-matches that become obvious to everyone.

But does a relatively constructive committed love relationship really have to be all the good stuff above? Or is commitment itself, that willingness, more important than partners being all things to each other? Indeed, is being “everything” to one soul even possible, or healthy?

You could also say that romantic love, relationship, and commitment are all separate topics. Though in modern western culture, where we’re so free to choose commitment and to change our hearts and minds, I say that successful, long-term, committed love is a rich, ever fascinating focus and goal. And note that I skipped the word marriage. Why leave any committed love relationships out?

 

Is being “everything” to one soul
even possible, or healthy?

That which ends also matters

Yes, let’s go there, to the fact that in the realm of love and relationship, many, many well-intentioned commitments end. There’s a normality to it all these days, though the stats aren’t actually as awful as the 50% divorce rate we’ve been hearing about for the past few decades. That’s partly because GenXers are staying together longer so far than boomers did, and millennials are proceeding with caution.

But we’re exploring so much in relationship these days, including or especially ourselves. Exploring our own growth. Along the way, committed relationships, for all their beautiful beginnings, do often end. And yes, I say those endings matter. They matter a great deal.

As daunting as this may sound in any given situation, I also say that it’s important that they’re done well, with respect for all parties. With kindness and gentleness, honoring both what was and what is. It’s possible. The truth really does set us free.

Of course, even aided by gentleness, endings burn like hell. The pain burns cleanest when we’re as kind to one another as possible in the process. It helps us heal. And heal we do.

Because life is long, and we want—we are determined—to love and be loved well. The truth is, our expectations are often astronomical! And just like every other form of freedom in our 21st century lives, we’re as free in the realm of love as we believe ourselves to be. Free to pursue what we want most.

 

It’s important that endings
are done well,
with respect
to all parties. It’s possible.

The how of it all matters

In the midst of our perhaps dizzying power of choice these days, I’m profoundly interested in how we care for one another and ourselves along the way. What’s more, I believe it’s one of our most important—most sacred—opportunities.

So I say this: If you’re in the throes of something immense in the realm of love, take your time. Get and stay attuned to what’s truly healthy for you and others. And proceed gently, oh, so gently, with everyone, including yourself.

Take the long view, with the goal of being satisfied with your approach when you look back on the present four or five years from now. Really. Sit with that a bit. Slow your roll while you reflect as deeply as possible. You can do it.

I often refer folks to the movie It’s Complicated with Alec Baldwin and Meryl Streep. It’s a comedy, but there’s so much truth in it. What I love is that throughout the plot’s twists and turns, with all that’s ultimately to be and not to be, the emotional tone is gentle, gentle, gentle.

In such profound matters of the heart, I say we should aspire to the same these days. It’s time for that level of evolution for us as a species with so much freedom to do love and relationship however we choose.

Support matters

And very importantly, do call on the resources you need. Include some relationship coaching or therapy, even or especially for endings, along with your own individual coaching or therapy, and expert support for young ones.

Search for low-cost options if you need them. You and yours deserve any and all assistance at life-changing junctures, toward proceeding in healthy ways and minimizing trauma all around. One important point is to ensure that you don’t repeat painful lessons later because you jumped from relationship to relationship without actually learned whatever was to be learned.

Bottom line, regarding the sweet, maddening drug of love, challenge yourself. Make your best self lead. Then take comfort in your good work here on the wild, wonderful journey of 21st century life, with our immense freedom to make of it whatever we want most.

Teresa Young

 

Dare to Change Those Hand-Me-Down Beliefs for New Possibilities

Dare to Create What You Want - Life Coaching with Teresa Young

What do you believe, anyway? About life? About love? And work? How about money? And kickass contribution to life? And how about growth past midlife? These are in fact the questions, right? I’m here to tell you that you can dare to examine—and then change—your beliefs as one part of your approach to accomplishing your goals.

Yes, as a life coach who cares, I know this truth can truly change your life. Because consciousness of your beliefs, of what drives you, and stops you, is in fact an incredibly powerful creative act! You can dare to examine your beliefs. Question them. And make choices that change your life.

Clean out the closet

One big test of any belief is whether it’s fear-based, or focused on growth. Like believing that “love always fades to quiet boredom.” Maybe it’s been your experience so far, or you’ve seen it play out in the lives of others. Or you’ve heard that in long-held family knitting-circles or good ol’ boy logic.

 

Dare to examine your beliefs
as one part of your approach
to accomplishing your goals.

 

But does any of that stuff that’s been piling up challenge you to keep risking for the juice you want in relationship? Or does it just let you off the hook, ready to justify your own lack of heart due to, well, fear of heartache?

Most importantly, are you really free to choose? Consider that any reason why not is another belief, rather than some universal truth. One actual truth is that we’re living in an amazing era. You and I are in fact free to choose our beliefs if we’re ready to do this important inner work. And make no mistake about the fact that it’s work that will catapult us forward in the ways that matter most to us.

Now dare to change those old beliefs. Go forth bravely casting off the hand-me-downs that no longer suit beautiful you! And reach out for expert support. After all, you deserve the life you want most.

Teresa Young

 

Stop Squandering Your Energy Now. Today. Really.

Stop Squandering Your Energy - Life Coaching with Teresa Young

Stop squandering your energy. For real. Now, the truth is, I started with the negative to get your attention. But you know just what I mean. Right? 

Now let’s talk about conserving, containing, and consciously utilizing your energy to create what you want most. Oh, and to be crystal clear, I don’t mean with long-lasting light bulbs or by powering down your electronics at night. :)

I mean by making the best use of your most precious commodity, your life force, toward everything you want and deserve. Are you with me?

Track your use of life force

By the way, I’m a life coach with a particular passion for the body/mind/spirit as an energy system. And I say that one powerful way to begin is to actually log your energy usage for a day, in four sections:

  1. Important (in service to your goals)
  2. Fun
  3. Unimportant
  4. Counter-Productive

First, in this moment, as you consider keeping this kind of data, what do you think you will see? Next, try it out. Check your predictions after 24 hours. Even this simple action will begin to change the game.

What do you see? Where does your usage spike? What times of day or night are you genuinely productive in the ways that matter most to the wisest, clearest, most goal-oriented part of you?

 

What times of day or night are you
genuinely productive in the ways
that matter most to you?

 

Next step, expand the game. Track your energy usage for a week.

Which days of the week are you really playing the grand game of your life in the ways you want to, if at all? And what about plenty of self-care, and lots of rejuvenating fun in the mix, without being either “all work and no play” or all play and no work?

Balanced energy usage is key. In what ways do the power combo of your inner life and your outer lifestyle support the you who you most want to be?

You’ve gotta spend some, but on what?

Yes, you do want to stop squandering energy. But there’s another intriguing possibility: are you an energy miser? Not naturally wired for focused output?

Now we’re just getting this primer started. Read more at http://oneideaaway.com. And reach out for the expert support that you deserve.

Teresa Young

How to Rock the Life You Want (Spoiler: Be Beautiful You)

Life Coaching with Teresa Young

As a musician who became a coach, I often ask my clients a question something like this one: So, are you ready to rock life? And at the end of a session I’ll hear myself say spontaneously, rock on!

If your answer is hell, yes!, then the classic Zappa quote here may interest you. It states the fact of the uniqueness of each of us. And those who know about Frank will tell you he was a man who walked his talk.

Frank Zappa walked his talk.

Yes, as a musician/composer and provocateur during the Vietnam era and beyond, Zappa did most assuredly rock life. He created a legacy of compelling original music and acerbic social commentary. From genre-busting musical styles and types of ensembles, lyrics that took down all manner of sacred cows, and a lifestyle that was part of his art, he lived his truth. His own unique creative life.

Enter… you.

Enter this season of opportunity in your beautiful life. Are you stepping off the beaten path? Marching to the beat of your own drummer?

I’m having fun with cliches to drive home the hook: you living in ways that are uniquely you. Read more of this scoop at www.oneideaaway.com.